Bah!

Way back in March I was so happy. Everything seemed to be going great. I had that elusive, calm, soothed spirit, that feeling I can only describe as intense "aloha". I think I even wrote a line about 'the world spinning my way' or something else equally as naive and cocky. I was holding my chin up high on the sunny side of the street and truly expected things to stay that way... all of life's strife behind me, walking on into Happy Land, with bags packed to stay. It's funny when you feel that kind of (hormonal) high akin to falling in love, but not with anyone in particular... with everyone and everything. It can be so deceptive... it must be why mother's everywhere tend to get itchy with nerves when things are too good... too calm.

March seems a year away from me, truly the time and space between us is perceptively gigantic for me. The good things are so good, yet so clouded in space and removal, in emotional distance, in self preservation, in fear. I have had a tough time judging up from down and reality is always just this side of the road, the side I don't trust as much, I pause and look around myself and think, "Is this really happening?" more often than is comfortable.

That up from down, good from bad, black from white dilemma keeps posing itself, and on top of everything else, it's posing in disguise... just for fun, I guess. "Here I am, I love you... I'm outta here, I hate you," it seems to laugh spitefully, mockingly, stupidly. I keep wondering how I keep getting fooled, then I keep wondering, and then I keep getting fooled... sometimes, not always, not black, not white, probably more grey. The huge highs followed by pounding swells of disappointment have been exhaustive. The brain power devoted to their mysteries, maddening! The sheer size of their outlandish displays of lunacy have left craters of confusion so big I believe my brain will implode like a black hole, a black hole of the unasked and unanswered.